life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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