I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
