Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
