So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
