I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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