Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
What a dumb baby whore.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I think I just sharted jello shots
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