just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
