Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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