Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Randomize
