the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
