my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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