I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
