my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Best friends brother. Beat that.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
