Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
