My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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