When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
