i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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