what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
