Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
