my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
did you just send me my own nude
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
