This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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