I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
