if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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