Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
