I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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