I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
