I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
