i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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