What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
