I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Even the bartender felt bad for me
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
