I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Pants are for mortals
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
