Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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