nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
