I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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