Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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