I am midnight drunk by noon
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
