dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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