Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
