I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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