i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
