M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
