we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
