Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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