i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
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