You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
