I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
