Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
do nipples grow back?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
