My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
