did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
