I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
