My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
